why do i try so hard sometimes?

i try and try
but i always fail to see you
you're smiling
at whom i really don't know
is it another girl that's pretty?
your eyes they sparkle
you move like your walking on air
so perfect
and then
i fall
i pick myself up
but fall again
why do you do have to this me?
you spoilt my dreams
my dreams drip with darkness
no more light
because of you
i am afraid
so i never try to take risks anymore
because of you i am unsure scared
you scarred me a lifetime
just because of one word
one day
though may you have her
i have no one
maybe
just maybe him
but he
does he know i exist?
does he know when i look into his eyes is like looking into a piece of heaven?
he doesn't but you do
you always had told me sweet things
like cookies with chocolate chips
i was stupid
i drank in every word
but now I'm so weary about everything
i just can't help but look away
look aways at everything that happened between us
good times
we were so perfect
but i guess you're just using me
you just wanted to make me feel loved
and then just leave me hanging
so i feel self deprived
you know what?
i did
it hurt so bad
but no I'm so scared he's gonna to do that to me
i don't dare dream
because I'm afraid it's gonna crash down into me
and leave me hanging once again
i dreamt about hm last night
but i told myself
i couldn't go on like this
because when you're hanging there
with no one at all
it feels exactly like a piece of hell
and I'm so so afraid
dreams are destroyed
hope dies
love heartbroken
what will be left of these broken remains of my soul?
it's broken badly
it doesn't want to get hurt anymore
really